On couple dancing and affectionate love

Some years ago I was sharing with a good friend on mine our experiences in Rovinj, in one of the biggest Kizomba festivals in Europe. I asked her about the most memorables experiences in the festival and she proceeded to describe how good it felt to dance with a partner that only embraced her steadily for a long time, with no other requirement than her presence. That was a bit against the common pre-conception of the leader with a rich set of moves to show off.

I have been reflecting a little bit about that story, trying to understand the power of presence in the dance, and my hypothesis lies on what its referred to affectionate, or compassionate love.

Dancing has been used in many cultures as a way to transcend. Cultures like the Masai tribes, or whirling sufis or tibetan monks have used solo and group dancing as ways to connect with with something bigger than themselves. The interesting part, is that, such transcendance can also come from a couple (or social) dance, depeding on how I treat my partner on the dancefloor.

Imagine the eyes of a mother looking at her child. For her, independent of how child looks like, (s)he is already perfect. The love of a mother does not ask for more than the realization of her child. By giving love, by making this creature happy, she is receiving much more.

When we are dancing, we are in a position where we can provide compassionate love. We have a human being in front of us, to which we share many similarities. First, we both want to be happy, and second, we both want to avoid any suffering. This person in front deserves not only my respect, but also my compassionate love. I would like that at the end of the dance, that person in front leaves feeling accepted, cared for, beautiful and happy.

The beauty of a couple dance, is that we have one song in order to create those feelings. It is beautiful because we can exercise a policy of non-attachment. If I love you compassionately, I treasure that ephemeral instant that you give to be with me, and I will cherish the happy moments you share with others.

In practical terms, I think we exercise compassionate love in dancing when:

- We accept that everyone, newcommer or experienced dancer, physically appealing or not, has something beautiful to offer us.

- We do not focus on the embrace, "moves" or choreographies learnt. The goal of this dance is not to have measurable outcome, but rather the enjoyment of the instant together.

- We consider our partners  not as objects, but rather as human beings with their own range of expressions. That means, we don't project our needs to whatever they can give, avoiding a later suffering.

- We listen to whatever our partner communicates. Non-verbal communication is the key to know how relaxed we can be in each others' company.

- We keep a beginners' mind, learning from each and every person coming to us.

- We learn to receive, in the same way we are giving.

Finally, a call to earth: even when we don't want to, we all commit flaws (both in dance, and in life in general), and that is OK. Forgiving (ourselves and others) is the only way to continue dancing. That also means, to ease on the judgment, and to focus on the enjoyment of this shared gift.

/Andrés

Tal vez

Tal vez te pasé como a mi, que miro el telefono cada siete minutos, sin falta.
Tal vez, cuándo te levantes, busques ese mensaje en el buzón.
Tal vez, escribas una vez, y lo borres diez.
Tal vez, como yo, pienses cómo se está, al otro lado del puente.

Y me pregunto, adonde hemos llegado?
Explorando los limites de la pasión, el riesgo del dolor.
Cómo podemos ser honestos, tu, yo, y el resto del mundo?
Este mundo va, y le estamos corriendo atrás.

Arboles y mariposas, de esto se trata todo.
Volamos, jugueteamos, sorbiendo el nectar
O extendemos nuestras raíces, germinando

Queremos lo mismo, tan diferente,
Podremos llegar a conciliar?
Hacer que los arboles se encuentren.

In my seemingly perfect life

It´s been a while since the last time I dare to write some words in this blog, but something motivated me today.

I had my birthday yesterday. For me, getting into 35 represented a big step: the idea of moving to the quartile that statisticians call "the adult one" seemed to represent a big step for me. Five years ago, I had thought that at this age I would have achieved what was considered a standard dream. That one of the stable job, marriage, kids and a dog in a decent villa in the outskirts of the city where I live.

Lots of water ran under the bridge in these five years: I moved to live in different countries three times, I changed of profession twice and I found a vocation in my life, that one of service. To me, the only constant thing I can feel in life is the constant change we are exposed into, and the happy moments I had involved somehow assuming the fears of jumping from the stable status quo into something that might or not represent me more. Jumping does not mean to be a novelty-junkie, but to be able to feel with honesty what our bodies and hearts are vibrating with, and steer my decisions not only in what sees the "most reasonable thing to do", but also in the path that feels more truth to myself.

The dreams I once had were not really my own dreams, but a social construction from the educated society where I grew up. Many of my friends at the time asked me when will I settle, as if pursuing our dreams was something that we should give up at some point. If settling means stagnate and renounce to work on your mission, it is probable that I will not ever settle. I would rather be happy having done and try whatever it resonates with me, than not doing it because it was not profitable, because it was too alternative or because that is not what you are supposed to do.

Two years ago I came back to the city I call home, and since then I have embraced the project of fostering changes in the society I live in. The change I search is one of less fear to the contact with the other, of more openness and trust on the person next to you, of safe spaces where people can develop whatever their passions are. Yesterday was very special, not because it was my birthday, but because I could see that those seeds we are spreading are slowly settling. I see a community growing, with people open to embrace without fears, without waiting something in return. That was my biggest gift.

About those dreams of five years ago, I will not say that a part of me still likes those constructions, but they do not represent anymore the ideals of happiness. It is hard to explain all that I get from this to the friends that knew me in university, the ones that know the rational part of me. That rational part still exists, but does not live alone. It rather works together with the emotional side. It might or not lead me to the villa I considered at some point, but it is not important anymore.

To me, service is the biggest creator of positive emotions ever. If I can work a little bit to make something that makes you have a smile on your face, that will eventually get back to me, painting one smile on my own. Your happiness affects directly my way of perceiving the world, and therefore my dreams passed from something concerning  "me" to those concerning "us". In the service we find our strengths and challenges, test us and makes us bigger.

So, it is that important to strive for a perfect life? I think our lives are already perfect, irrespective of the paths we decide to take. To me, what is important is coherence. How do our life choices map into the vision of man or woman we want to have? Do we listen ourselves with the same attention whatever our bodies and heart are saying comparing to whatever our reason does? We have one big responsibility, that one of creating our own happiness. Are we ready to assume it?

In all, this birthday brought me the realisation that yes, I have a perfect life, despite all the little things I imagine as glitches. More importantly, is perfect as it is inter-dependent from many other around me, and their interaction make my emotions grow bigger. I am all grateful for having the chance to share with you, those that in one way or another are influencing my life.

Challenges? many, of course, but they come whenever they need to come. For the moment, the biggest one is to learn about patience, that does not come easy in any way. Perhaps for the 40s?